2005-06-29
� 9:28 a.m.
So close � because it was so far�
Yesterday morning I almost shit my pants. Picture this�a leftover burrito full of shredded beef, onions, cilantro, spicy salsa full of seeds, and two jalapeno peppers, flash-fried and sliced. Add to this 7 pieces of the infamous Woody�s Wood-Fired Pizza, complete with a blanket of crushed red peppers, and several stiff bourbons and Diet Pepsi. Don�t look a me like that, I don�t need the extra sugar calories of a regular soda mixed with my non nutritive booze calories. Besides, a squeeze of lemon juice gets rid of the aspartame aftertaste. Onions, especially green onions, jalapenos, cilantro, salsa, and crushed red peppers are all exceedingly high in fiber, which means basically (I�ll get scientific for a sec) that they are mostly undigestable. You see, plant cell walls are made of cellulose, and to digest cellulose, you need an enzyme called cellulase. We don�t have it, so it passes by in roughly the same shape, grabbing water molecules along the way. The aforementioned combination of elements somehow merged, twisted, and grew in fiber content by a factor of at least 12, maybe as much as 13. It�s like pulling a palm frond through your guts. This primordial soup that is my digestive system took this combination of fat, meat, dough, and vegetable and made�life. It was in a very advanced stage of development though, and the long trek through my 28 or so feet of small intestine saw fragments of amino acids grow into replicating chemical chains, animals, and even higher life. Civilizations came and went. I felt every skirmish and battle, leading to wars that ravaged the landscape along the way. I�m sure I farted smoke once. Mixed in with the usual smell was gunpowder, I�m sure of it. In the end, the factions could not agree, probably about religion, and the terrorists began bombing the World Bowel Center. I drive 38.5 miles to work every day, and about 15 miles into the commute, I felt the preemptive strikes beginning. My drive to work takes about 35 minutes, and I was pretty confident in the prowess of my sphincter control. The near-fatal mistake was that I was an absentee landlord. I had no idea the shitechnology had developed so rapidly. These Weapons of Moist Destruction were of the most fierce and lethal ordnance that has ever been. There must have been alien influence, that�s the only explanation. The bombs were flying everywhere, and I could hardly see the road through the smoke and debris from the continuous bombardment. I felt the earth crack and an enormous volcano spewed hot lava throughout my colon. The expletives flowed from my mouth so rapidly, I briefly considered a career in hip hop. A half mile from work, they unveiled their secret weapon: a nuclear arsenal. The atomic blasts began with a pain that is indescribable. There�s just no word invented for it. The pain subsided momentarily, but when I got out of the car and ran for the door like a penguin on crack, the final series of bombs went off. The concussion was staggering, I�m not even sure how I kept my feet. A final series of explosions took place over the relative safety of the porcelain bowl, and the world that had been created in those 20.5 hours, was destroyed utterly. Once the sweat from my Olympian efforts dried and my ass had a minute to recover its strength, I was able to walk away from the conflagration without my large intestine sliding into my pants. Don�t be a hero. When you feel the call of nature, just know it won�t go to voice mail.
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