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2008-06-04 ó

A few things that piss me off

In the spirit of my recent ď100 things the I likeĒ post, I thought it might be fun to create its antecedent, 100 things that I donít like. Disclaimer: Some of these were plagiarized from other entries in this blog, so if some of them have the familiar bad taste that youíre used to Ė thatís why.

1. Mushrooms. Never have liked them. Theyíre slimy and they smell bad. Blech.

2. People that mumble in normal conversation. Speak up!

3. People that drive 45 in a 55 zone. Iím glad youíve got so much life to waste, Skippy, but Iím not going to live forever.

4. Corollary to #3, those drivers that gun the gas up to a stop sign then slam on the brakes. What the fuck are you doing?

5. Litter. Put your shit in a garbage can, swine!

6. Improper use of its and itís. Call me an elitist pig, but I learn that itís proper to use the right word in its place.

7. Having a bad Internet connection, especially when Iím trying to do something online.

8. Poor service in a restaurant. I tip well when the service is good, but when you dish up my meal with a side of attitude, fuck you.

9. Having my conversation butted into by someone who thinks theyíre more important than me. Wait your turn, or if itís important, say excuse me. Donít just walk up and start a conversation with the person that Iím talking to like the fucking planet revolves around you, Mr. Sun.

10. Weak cocktails at the bar. Come on, already. Poor that drink like you would want it, not with this pussy carefully measured shot.

11. Reality TV. All of it. Itís banal, mindless bollocks.

12. Miracle Whip. Holy shit that stuff is vile.

13. Misplaced items in the supermarket. If you decide you donít want something, put it back where it goes or give it to the person at the checkout counter and tell them that you decided not to buy it. Donít just shove the pasta sauce in with the sugar, you lazy bastard.

14. When someone tells me that my way of doing something is wrong because they do it differently. Variety is the spice of life. Different is not wrong.

15. Commercials. Especially ones that involve BILLY MAYS THE STAIN SPECIALIST. Why does he have to yell at me? On the other hand, with the heavenly cost of TV service, why are there commercials too? 30 minute programs are only 22 minutes long, and the rest is garbage Ė especially when you see the same commercial every break. WTF?

16. Going for a cup of coffee in the office to find that there is only about ľ cup left in the pot. Gah! Dump that old stuff out and make some more would you? Gods people are lazy.

17. Companies that insist on using peoplesí last names in email addresses. The fact is, most people are incapable of proper spelling. Furthermore, some people have some very complicated names. Why, therefore, would you make them have to learn how to spell your last name? I think itís not only stupid, itís bad business.

18. Following #17, if you have even a long-ish company name, shorten the fucking thing before you tack it on to someoneís email so that I donít have to type Iwannastickapencilinmyeye@holyshitpleasekillmesoicansendthisgoddamnemail.com

19. Loud talkers. Especially in restaurants, movies, wherever. Use your inside voice, because I really donít care how many aluminum cans you turned in for crack money last Saturday, window licker. Put a cork in it.

20. People (men) who piss all over toilet seats at other peoplesí houses. Listen, putting down the seat when youíre done to hide your slovenly nature is not good enough. Pretend like your mama taught you to use toilet paper and wipe it up Ė itís not that hard.

21. When youíre the last one on the plane and all the overheads are full, put your bag under your seat and sit the fuck down. It doesnít HAVE to go into an overhead compartment. Sheesh!

22. Yes men. You know the type. The ones that will say anything that people want to hear, rather than tell people the truth. Unfortunately, these are the ones that seem to be successful in business.

23. Bad public speakers. *shudder*. UhhhÖummmÖuhhhÖummmÖoooh, it bugs me. On the other hand, Iím enraptured by a good public speaker. It doesnít really even matter what they are talking about

24. Bad tourists. When you go to someone elseís country, donít expect it to be like yours and donít be an asshole. You might just learn something about the world if you go to England and try to eat something besides McDonaldís.

25. The deliberate shortening of someoneís name. Iíve mentioned this before in recent entries. If a woman introduces herself to you as Cynthia, then thatís her name, you twat. Donít call her Cyndi.

26. Losing touch with old friends. I know that sometimes you grow apart, but your true friends you should never lose touch with. No excuses.

27. Highway construction. Look, I know they have to fix the roads, but I still donít like it. I donít like pot holes either though. Bugger.

28. President George W. Fucking Bush. This guy has single-handedly fucked up our country more than all of the worst presidents weíve ever had all put together. Fuck him.

29. Pro life bumper stickers. Look asshole, if you want to support the kid, then thatís fine. If you donít then fuck you. Let the woman get an abortion and keeping your fucking nose out of it.

30. Blue laws. Itís unconstitutional not to allow people to sell liquor on Sunday. Separation of church and state sound familiar?

31. Stupid slogans like the Olive Gardenís ďwhen youíre here, youíre familyĒ. What the fuck does that mean, anyway? That family always picks up the check?

32. Parents that ignore their children and expect everyone else to do the same. Keep control of those little bastards for the sake of everyone else in the world, would you? Children running around wild in a playground is fine, thatís where they can do it. Anywhere else is not appropriate. Use a fucking leash if you need to.

33. People who judge me because I like or donít like something. ďOh my god, how can you eat that?Ē or ďHow can you not like oysters?Ē It is what it is, OK?

34. Repeating myself. Itís always bugged me. I also hate making people repeat themselves, because I know how it annoys me. See #2.

35. Those people at concerts that insist on doing that shrill, head-splitting, 2-finger-in-the-mouth whistle. Holy fuck, itís like a knife in my ear. Why do they always have to sit right behind me?

36. People who talk on their cell phones at concerts.

37. People who jabber incessantly to their friends at concerts. Look fucker, Iím here to see the band, not listen to your mindless drivel. If you want to gossip, do it on your own time. Show a little courtesy.

38. Running out of toilet paper. Thereís always a stash in the hall closet, but if I fail to plan ahead and forget to put that spare roll in the bathroom drawerÖ*shudder*

39. Shopping carts strewn about the parking lot or left between cars. Spend 30 seconds and walk it down to the return, would you? Chances are, the 25 calories will be well spent.

40. Jesus peddlers. I donít care if itís door to door, pamphlets at the airports, or wherever. Donít shove your dogma at me; I donít want to hear it. Or read it. It pleases me the see the ďTruthĒ fish swallowing the ďDarwinĒ creature on the bumper stickers though. What they donít see is the beautiful irony. By putting this bumper sticker on their cars, they are actually agreeing with the survival of the fittest concept. Hah!

41. In the same vein, I hate telemarketers. Itís different if itís ARC or one of those charities simply asking if you have anything that they can come and pick up next week when they have a truck in the area. I like these people. I can unload stuff on them and write it off. Itís the ones that donít take ďnoĒ for an answer, try not to let you get off the phone, and keep haggling to a lower and lower donation. Fuck them. I have no problem hanging up on them. When I was unemployed at the beginning of this year, I told one of these fucktards that I was out of a job and he just tried to talk me down. Hey! Fuck you! I just told you Iím not working, didnít I?

42. Death metal with the guttural, barking/screaming/incomprehensible vocals. You know the type, right? ďBARK! BARK! BARK! GROWL! GROWL! GRRRWAHBLAHBLAHBARKBARKBARK! Sorry, but itís shit. My nephew loves this stuff, I think itís a trend in much of todayís youth. He even composes some, and a lot of the music that heís written is really good. Itís not the music I donít like. Itís the barking. I really appreciate vocal talent.

43. Someone who will tell the same joke over and over. There was someone here who is thankfully off the project now, who would repeatedly do the 5th grade ďwhatíd it sound like?Ē ďHow did that go again?Ē and so forth, for hours at a time. It got old after the 1st time, but he didnít get it. One of the other guys here finally just snapped on him after the 3rd day or so. I think he pouted for another 3 days. Hah!

44. ďcleverĒ sales jingles sung to the tune of Christmas songs. *shudder* I think this is most of the reason that I hate Christmas music now. Even more than the oppressive jesus messages. At least a lot of the songs had genuinely catchy melodies. Now most of them are ruined forever.

45. In the same vein, I fucking LOATHE the song ďSanta Baby.Ē Is the person who wrote that song dead? I hope so.

46. Popcorn. There was a time when I liked it, and Iím not sure when I stopped liking it, but Iíll bet itís when it became $7.50 a cup at the movie theater. I still do like the sugar coated stuff like Cracker Jack and Crunch and Munch, so I must not be beyond redemption.

47. Misspelled words. Theyíve always bothered me, but they bother me the most when theyíre mine.

48. Red neon signs. This shit has hurt my eyes ever since I was a kid. Still does.

49. Parking lot stop signs. I treat them like ďyieldĒ signs. Oh, you bet Iíll stop if there is a reason to, but if there is no one there that stop sign get a nice Ďbirdí from me.

50. The expression ďtell us how you really feelĒ being said after someone says something passionate. I think it belittles his or her opinion, which is kind of fucked up. Agree or disagree as it suits you, but that expression is a very old clichť by now. Stop it.

51. The collective ďweĒ when referring to your favorite sports team. ďWeíre going to the World Cup!Ē Whatís this Ďweí shit? Are you ON the team or directly employed by them? If not, I donít think you can use Ďweí. Unless of course you purchased tickets and are attending the event. Thatís different, of course.

52. Paying $100.00 to change an airline ticket. Ooh, that really fucks me off. It takes 2 minutes on the phone or at the counter. I donít think it should be free, but I think $100 is a fuck job.

53. Losing my train of thought. You know how when youíre in the middle of a point and youÖbugger. What was I talking about?

54. People that pretend to be offended by crassness or crudeness, because they feel like they should feel offended, even though they arenít offended. Be true to yourself.

55. Not being listened too. This is something I have to be more cognizant of, because there are times when The Girl asks me a question, and Iím trying to formulate an answer for her, but she thinks Iím ignoring her. Iím not, I just havenít answered yet.

56. Lacking motivation. I hate feeling lazy, and it happens too often. Bugger.

57. Having upstairs neighbors. I donít mind apartment life so much, but I hate having people walking around over my head. The apartment that Iím living in now has thin floors, and Iíve got fucking Hercules above me slaying dragons most evenings. Godammit but does he have to stomp his feet?

58. Dropped phone calls. Inevitably Iím in the middle of either saying or hearing something important, and the frantic redials which always go straight to voice mail really piss me off. Grrr.

59. Drivers that donít know how to stay in their own lane. Look, that one is yours and this one is mine. Now piss off!

60. The insufferable wait to get out of a parking structure after a concert or some other big event. Ah, fuck itís torture. To avoid it, I usually follow the signs to the exit when I enter the parking structure and leave the car as close to the exit as possible. What? Itís a good idea and itís paid off more than once.

61. Forgetting what I was going to do. Walk into a room andÖbugger! What the hell did I come in here for? So I have to retrace my steps and try to remember what I came for.

62. Automatic sinks. I was at Wal-mart not too long ago and I could get that god damn water to flow to save my life. It would spit for about 5 nanoseconds, slightly diluting the automatically dispensed soap that my hands were awash with, then turn off again. Ahh!

63. Automatic towel dispensers. Did you know that they can adjust the length of towel that those dispense? Thatís right. And you always need two donít you? So instead of setting the towel to the right length so that you can walk up and have enough to do the job, they deliberately make you stand there, wave your wet hands around, and wait for another. Fuck them.

64. The expression: ďIíll give you three guesses and the first two donít count.Ē Iíve had so many people who thought they were clever say this to me over the years. Listen! Itís stupid and it doesnít mean anything. Stop it.

65. Having something in my teeth with no one letting me know. If there is something in me teeth, tell me, OK? I canít see it, and itís sort of gross.

66. People who take up multiple parking spaces. Pardon me, but I mustíve failed to feel the gravitational tug indicating that you were the center of the fucking universe. I should pull up next to you and ding your door out of spite. If your car is too nice to drive, leave it at home and walk; you could probably stand to lose a stone or two anyways. If youíve bought a car whose size exceeds your driving skill, then leave the door unlatched and maybe itíll get nicked. Do us both a favor.

67. Hiccups. Oh, I hate having the hiccups

68. Wind. I donít care about a nice breeze, but those gusty winds really piss me off. They get shit in my eyes, they blow my hat off, and they make for a miserable fishing day because no one can see the reefs.

69. When the waitress comes round 2 minutes after you arrive to ask if you want a refill of your drink, then you donít see her again for 30 minutes.

70. People who chew with their mouths open. Are you a cow? Then stop it.

71. Stammering. Iím usually never short on things to say, and I almost never dah dah dah when confronted. But once in a while, I feel for some reason like I have to stall while I search through the beaten paths of my memory banks find the information (making shit up). It sucks.

72. Automated phone messages that call my house. At least let me be annoyed by a person!

73. Spam emails. Does anyone really open something that reads: Cute pet!te YoUNG teen feels harg cock in her pussy fOr the f|rst tIme? No, I did not make that up. It was in my Spam folder.

74. Strange error codes on my computer. I recently got one that read: ďMicrosoft has issued an unexpected responseĒ. WTF? When was I talking to Microsoft?

75. In the same vein, I hate when my email server times out while Iím composing an email. I hit send, of course, then my letter gets flushed down the cyber shitter. Ooh, that makes me so angry I could eat my own head.

76. Neighbors that are noisy late, late at night. Hey, shut the fuck up out there! Crotchety old codgers like me are trying to sleep or something like that. Actually it only bothers me while Iím trying to fall asleep. Once Iím out, Iím out.

77. Neighbors that let their fucking dogs bark all night

78. Trains that roll through town and blast their fucking horns all night.

79. Having something sticky on my hands/fingers. I just hate that feeling.

80. The pink algae that grows in the low spots of my shower floor where squeegee wonít reach.

81. The ďGood TimesĒ burger joint radio commercials. Most. Annoying. Voice. EVER. For those of you who donít live in Colorado, youíll just have to take my word for it.

82. Bugs on my windshield that the washer fluid wonít remove. Read here as all dead bugs on my windshield.

83. Asshole cyclists that think they own the road. Now I know not all cyclists are assholes. Some know that there is a place on the road for motorized vehicles too. A few weeks ago The Girl and I were coming down the canyon with our camper trailer in tow and this one fucker looked over his shoulder RIGHT AT ME, then moved out into the middle of the road. Fuck him, he got the horn.

84. Spiders.

85. Crabgrass

86. Weeds in general.

87. The huge fucking Grand Canyon rifts that spiderweb my driveway. Weíre saving for a new driveway. Come on, August!

88. The volume level of commercials. You already know I hate TV commercials, but why in the nine hells do they have to be 40 decibels higher?

89. The hair that grows out of my ears and nose. Whatís it for? If I need it, Why didnít I need it as a boy?

90. Thumping car stereos at red lights. Iíve got my own, thank you. The poetic justice here is those little bastards will be deaf before me, even though Iíve been playing the drums since 1985.

91. Getting a flat tire/running out of gas/getting stuck in the snow/whatever.

92. Missing a flight. Airport time is like prison time. With really expensive drinks.

93. Airlines that overbook a flight by 7 or 8 tickets and donít give you a seat assignment until youíre at the gate. Like United. Fuck United.

94. Hypocrisy. Yah, the whole do as I say not as I do thing doesnít work with me.

95. Jumping to conclusions. Being either the jumper or the jumpee. Itís just bad.

96. The fact that some of the sentences in this entry have punctuation and some donít. Fuck it though, Iím too lazy to fix it. Which annoys me. Like sentence fragments.

97. Racists/homophobes/sexists and the like. There are differences between all of us. If there were not, it would be a pretty fucking boring world out there, sportsfans.

98. The fact that my spell check thinks my last name is misspelled and holds up every email as a result. Furthermore, I canít add it to the web-based spelling dictionary either. Arrgh!

99. Being unemployed. Oh, how it sucks. Oh, oh, how it sucks.

100. War. Itís almost always based on a belief system gone awry or greed. Canít we all just get along? Never mind, I know we canít. Look how many things there are to piss us off?

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Want to comment? Speak up! 5 Quips to Date


Anna - 2008-06-04 17:53:02
Hey - nice list! Made me laugh a lot, especially the swearing. Might have to steal it.
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Isaac O\'Christ - 2008-06-05 07:09:10
Perfect! My faves: The email one (my work email is 34 characters long...) and the Olive Garden slogan one. I should have gotten a job in marketing. Paid a lot to come up with ambiguous shit the public can't comprehend--sounds like something I could be good at. :) Miss ya! Laters!
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Isaac O\'Christ - 2008-06-05 07:15:02
Hilarious--per usual! Miss ya!
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Booth - 2008-06-18 14:43:28
Great list - bloody accurate and true! Fab...
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Sunshine - 2008-07-04 15:06:59
We are a no mushroom house here. I don't know if the kids like mushrooms because they've never tried them.
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