2005-11-04
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Breaking News!
Strange headlines from today:, 11/04/05. I am not making this up people, our world is THAT STRANGE. Without exception, every one of these came from today's Comcast homepage. These are not from The Onion, but they sound like they should be! Amid Flu Fears, No Kissing That Pet Bird Excerpt: "Bird owners should not kiss their pets," Hong Kong's Agriculture, Fisheries and Conservation Department said in a statement outlining precautions people should take when handling their feathered friends. It's ok to love your pets, just don't LOVE your pets (The Truth About Cats and Dogs) Calif. Man Caught in 'HOV' Lane With Dummy Excerpt: The dummy was wearing a Miami Dolphins windbreaker and a baseball cap but Officer Will Thompson noticed that the "passenger" had no legs. What a dummy! *shuddering at the bad pun* Man Sues Ex-Girlfriend Over Glue Attack Excerpt: Slaby contends that O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep. He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish. He'll never sleep at a woman's house again. I wonder what she wrote on his back... Man Sues After Using Glue-Covered Toilet Excerpt: "They left me there, going through all that stress," Dougherty told The (Boulder) Daily Camera. "They just let me rot." It's a well known fact that super glue (sodium cyanoacrylate) causes expeditious rotting in humans Strip Club Owner Weighs Offer From Church Excerpt: PAINESVILLE, Ohio - The owner of a strip club says he's considering a six-figure offer from a church to buy and shut down the location. Sounds like this town was named after the church! Scientists Find Fossils in Sexual Union Excerpt: LUCKNOW, India - This was no one-night stand. Scientists in India say they have discovered two fossils fused together in sexual union for 65 million years. 65 million years? Sounds like there was luck then too! Man Jumps From Overpass Onto Top of Train Excerpt: "At this point the train starts pulling out and the witnesses see Mr. Lopez standing on top of the train waving to everyone in the parking lot," Deputy Julie Novak told KCAL-TV Los Angeles. Not just in the movies, folks. Deer Almost Takes Out Gov. Tim Pawlenty Excerpt: ST. PAUL, Minn. - He was antlered and dangerous _ and he almost took out Gov. Tim Pawlenty. As Pawlenty arrived for work at the Capitol Thursday, he and his entourage heard shattering glass and then saw a big buck charge past about five feet from them. The deer broke two windows at the Capitol before bounding off. Open deer season in my woods will ya? I'll show you! Man Lobs Bed Parts From 15th Floor Window Excerpt: Public housing tenants receive demerit points for littering and throwing objects from high floor windows. Repeat offenders face eviction from their apartments. Demerits. What more can be said?
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