— 9:49 p.m.
Why do sheets and blankets hate each other? Before you say another word, I know that I am a somewhat restless sleeper. I am. But when I wake up in the morning, my sheet is 2 feet off the bed towards my side and the blankets are falling off the bed on the other side. What the fuck is that?
I’m not even sure that science can explain it, but I’m trying to word a proposal for a federal grant so that I can get funding to study this phenomenon. Maybe I can find some pretty coeds to study at night. What?
My body has some special properties when it comes to dislodging blankets anyway. For instance, The Girl and I keep blankets over our couch and love seat at home. We do this not out of any white trash tradition, for if it were that we would have plastic covers. No, we do it as an allergen/puke/hairball shield for the two rather ginormous elephantopuss cats that suffer our presence in the house and cohabitate with us. They leave hair, hairballs, butt juice, and other unsavory offal about the house that we don’t want on the couch and love seat, so we put down blankets which tuck in (deeply) and don’t clash with the décor.
Now when I sit and watch a movie, the weather channel, The Daily Show, or…wait, I don’t really watch anything else, and when I watch one of the aforementioned things and sit relatively still for a period of time, I’ll get up and that carefully tucked in piece of puke protection is untucked and sliding toward the floor as though I had greased its underside with the stuff that Clark Griswald used in Christmas Vacation just before the ‘sledding’ incident. WTF? I refer to this particularly amazing feat as possessing “butt fingers”, because it’s as though my ass is coaxing the blanket out if its nice tucked in position and creeping it out under my legs towards the floor.
I would blame the butt fingers on my sheet-blanket predicament too, but I don’t ever sleep on my stomach. So I ask again, why do my sheet and my blankets hate each other? Any hypotheses you have are most welcome.