There are some who call me...Tim

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2008-08-26 ó

A bit about traveling

As you all know, I travel quite a bit. For the last 6 months Iíve been traveling with my job nearly 100%, which is tough on the home life, but there are some things that strike me as odd.

1. This fucking sign in every hotel that says "Save the world you insensitive prick! The world is running out of baby food because of careless assholes like you who only use their towels once!" It can be flooding outside, and these people are concerned about saving water? Hey, fuck you, buddy. What this sign really says is: "help us save our costs and reuse your towels. No, this savings will not be passed on to you, but we figure if we spin it right, you might feel better about yourself."

Now in places like Georgia and the Carolinas that are in an Exceptional Drought condition, OK. Or in places like Jordan where it rains 1 inch every 5 years I can see it. "Due to our Exceptional Drought condition, and the fact that we have to milk our childrenís salivary glands to get enough water to clean up after you, please consider reusing your towels. A towel placed on the rack will indicate to us that you wish to reuse it and it will not be replaced. Thank you for your help in this (hopefully) temporary situation. Please be reminded that your floor towel (bath mat) also falls into this category. Thank you for your consideration."

2. No matter how much or how little of my soap I have used, they replace my soap every day. I donít need them to throw away my old bar of soap. I donít mind having a new one there, just in case my ass is REALLY dirty, but let me decide when to throw the used bar away, will you? Now I know soap isnít expensive, but it still does cost money, right? Right.

3. For fuckís sake will you please give me more than 3 pillows on a king size bed? I do like lots of pillows, thatís true, but even when I put my little bean on this thing it becomes only 1cm thick. Elevation, people. I need at least two for my head and one to snuggle with. I also like to have one on the other side for when I turn over, so that I donít have to move my snuggle pillow in the middle of the night. When Iím not alone in bed, more pillows, than 4 are required, of course. So have some available! Of course, having a Playboy bunny on either side of me would solve the snuggle pillow problem, but then they would want their own pillows, and theyíd make me all hot in the middle of the night. I canít sleep in a hot bed.

4. Does there really have to be a 2-inch gap underneath the door to the hallway? Itís not so bad if my bed is in a separate room, but if itís in the same room, itís like a flashlight in my eyes, not to mention the noise. I sometimes have to put a towel there to block out the light. You can bet that oneís going back on the rack to be used again. *shudder*

5. Keep some fucking batteries in the TV remote controls. I almost never watch TV, but when I wanted to turn on the Olympics a few weeks ago in Kansas City, the remote didnít work at all. And to make things worse, the channel up switched the TV to "DVD" mode, but it didnít have a DVD player. WTF? Luckily, there was another TV, and the remote for that one kind of worked.

6. Have you noticed that when you go to a really nice hotel that the people at the reception desk arenít really nice to you until after they run your credit card? Yeah, itís all rainbows and butterflies once the check clears, but before then, you could be any bum off the street.

7. No hotel ever has the same alarm clock. Iím not stupid and Iím certainly not a luddite, but some of these things are not exactly self-explanatory. You really have to diddle around with these things to figure out how they work. Or even feel lucky that you have one. For the two months that I spent in Israel last year there was no alarm clock in the room, and they actually charged you for wake up calls. Iím so NOT kidding. I didnít use a wake up call, fuck Ďem. I have Imogen Heap on my cell phone to wake up to every morning. Itís quite nice.

8. Why is it that about 50% of the hotels that serve coffee with their Ďbreakfastí in the morning have lids that donít fit the cups? Is it really so hard to order the lid that fits the cup, or are you pushing your dry cleaning service with the 300% mark up? On the same note, do you have to buy Monkey Spunkģ brand coffee? Is Tastes Like Coffeeģ really that much more expensive?

9. Where do hotels buy these carpets that are so abhorrent in pattern and color that nothing like it could possibly exist in Nature? Iím not saying I want it to re-turf my back deck or anything, but it might make a decent weed guard/neighborhood kid repellent.

10. Are there really THAT many decommissioned fire trucks around to give up their old nozzles to the hotel people-to be modified into shower heads? Itís not that I donít find a morning flay to be quite refreshing, donít get me wrong, I just wonder where they all come from.

Well, thatís it for now, travelers. Enjoy your next visit to the Comfort Skin!

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Want to comment? Speak up! 3 Quips to Date

Liz - 2008-08-27 13:21:36
Were you using my hotel as inspiration for this blog? Hilarious! I have to print this to show my co-workers. When is the well seasoned traveler coming back to Mad town??
Tari - 2008-08-27 23:00:24
Good to hear you are still alive and kicking! Also, glad to hear that life has not mellowed you out with your latest set of trials and tribulations.
The Hippy - 2008-11-05 21:48:49
TJ my old mucker, thank the non-existant god of take your fucking pick you're back on the blog roll. Missed you mate. Al.

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