I was putting off writing this blog because it’s going to a bit ranty. I finally succumbed completely to using the word ‘blog’ as well, which actually took me a long time to finally come to grips with. Tangent in sentence 2. Great start.
Here in the Greater Spokane, Washington area where I work, apparently there is an abysmal shortage of janitorial services or anything resembling pride of work. For the last 7 months I have watched with growing dismay, moving towards pity, then annoyance, disgust and open disdain of the janitor here, let’s call him “Rick”. Rick is one of a kind. He’s in his late 40’s, is bald but has the thick ‘Friar Tuck’ crown encircling the back of his head. He has an epic moustache, very reminiscent of John Oates from the “Maneater” days of Hall & Oates (Watchout!), and he also proudly sports a Members Only jacket that is so faded he likely bought it on the way to the H&O concert 25 years ago. I can’t even tell what color the jacket originally was. It may have been Navy blue, grey, or black, but is now that indefinable purple-grey color of poi. Aloha! Beyond his impeccable fashion sense though, the depth of ineptitude with which he fumble-fucks and flails around with the simplest janitorial tasks is truly legendary.
Before the building was completed and everyone moved up from downtown, the whole crew here, 5 of us, were in 2 trailers. Not big ones. One was desks and the other had a small kitchen area, a restroom, and a small conference room that you had to walk through to get to the toilet. Rick’s job – one would assume – was to do what you would do, right? Show up on Tuesday, sweep, mop, clean the shitter, wipe down things, clean the sink, tidy up, take out the trash, and be a good janitor. Well, I was in for a rude awakening.
Rick has one (ONE!) annoying salutation, which is some iteration of “So, you working hard?” Though I’m sure he’s not referring to my cock, he’s creepy enough that it wouldn’t surprise me. He also says things like “You work too hard”, “Jeez, you’re always working so hard”. For fuck’s sake man! Shut the fuck up! 2 weeks ago he said to me “Gosh TJ, you work so hard all the time, I don’t even know what you do with all the money you make!” Are you fucking kidding me?
About 4 months ago, Rick showed up and couldn’t find the broom, so he just picked up the rugs and mopped without sweeping. Scraping the rocks and dirt around with the mop and spreading the dirty water. Great. Of course it’s always one of us that has to put the rugs back after the floor dries, because he picks them up and can’t be inconvenienced to wait 5 minutes for the floor to dry. After that day that he couldn’t find the broom, he pretty much gave up on sweeping. He just came in and started slinging the mop. Once I even made a little pile of the rocks from under my desk so he would see how desperately the floor needed to be swept. But the lazy twat just pulled the mop anyway.
I pretty much had to tell him to sweep the floor because he just would NOT do it. Once he pulled the mop out of the bucket, dribbled it all the way down the length of the trailer floor to the far office, then when he got there decided it might be a good idea to sweep because the floor was really dirty. What. The. Fuck. Do you put your shoes on before your socks, you fucking moron? He also hasn’t cleaned the toilet in a month now. If there is an empty box near the trash can (for 2 months), he won’t take it out. Fail! Oh, and Tuesday didn’t really work out for him so he just decided to start showing up on Wednesdays instead. I guess that worked out better for his schedule.
About 6 weeks ago, one of my clients here, who happens to be his client also, and I were heading out of the main building (now completed and occupied) on the way to the trailer. We were just out the door and Rick (standing with one of his surly and equally lazy mop-slinging minions) says to the client: “Hey Craig, make yourself useful,” and shoves 2 bags of trash into his hands. What the fuck, can you believe this guy? The dumpster is literally about 40 feet from the back door.
Today my colleague Josh and I had to get into the break kitchen because that’s where the mailboxes are. Josh was actually going to get coffee, but I had to get some protocols out of my mailbox. Anyway, this guy was taking up the whole doorway with his trash-can-on-wheels, so we stopped in the hallway. The conversation went as follows:
Surly janitor dude: “You guys need in here?”
Surly janitor dude, moving out into the hallway: “Alright, I just got it cleaned up, so you guys can come in and mess it up again. Seems like the way things go around here.”
I’m happy you have a job too, you lazy fuck.
I’ve been told that I don’t suffer fools. I’m not going to apologize. Half assed is too generous for these guys. I’m going with ¼ ass.