There are some who call me...Tim

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2005-09-29 —

Nothing personal but…I hate you.

Nothing personal but…I hate you.

Yes, I just said this out loud to an unwelcome visitor in my office. I was reading an FDA guidance on Process Validation when I saw in my periphery dark, fat, loathsome spider slowly creeping up my wall.

I’m such a little girl when it comes to spiders. It’s got to be an instinctual memory, just like the fear of reptiles, etc. Spiders freak my shit out so bad.

So there I was…faced with this horrible, slow-crawling arachnid right there, only 2 feet from my pulsing lifeblood. Looking around desperately for some weapon to vanquish this fierce opponent. NO WAY was I using Kleenex or a paper towel. The low-pitched crunching of spider flesh between my fingers gives me the heebee geebees so badly, I got a chill typing about it just now. *shudder*

Here it is! The flaming sword of righteousness! Bless FedEx for delivering this memo to me on time today. OK, remove the memo from Sartorius, slowly…good it’s clear!

Make sure your nemesis is still in sight…HURRY! HE’S ALREADY MOVED ALMOST AN INCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s in the corner, what do I do? [shuffling feet] I can’t swat it, it’ll fall back behind my desk (and freak me out all day), I think I’ll have too…Yes, that’s it!

I turned the FedEx (paperboard) envelope parallel with the wall and moved in for the kill. It was safe, holy anvil with which to rend my foe and flatten him into arachnipaste!

“Nothing personal but… I hate you, Spider.”

Smash! Crunch! EWW THAT’S SO GROSS!

Hey, he stuck to the envelope! There’s no smear on the wall! Sweet! Turn around, drop demonic hair-beast and blessed FedEx envelope into the trash can.

Breathing slows, anxiety level decreases. Back to work.

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Want to comment? Speak up! 4 Quips to Date

Ann - 2005-09-29 13:49:53
Oh no!! You've killed one of "God's" creatures! Shame on you!! Next time, call me and I will carefully and safely remove it from your office. Poor dear. It's sad that you've been so frightened at work!!!
Kim - 2005-09-29 16:00:10
ReAnnon and I are laughing at you right now!
Alex Turdtruffle - 2005-09-29 16:41:27
Nice work. Paradiddle'd its ass back to spider heaven, from whence it came. Unfortunately for you, for every one you kill, The Lord God of Spiders (actually a lady God by the name of Glennys) makes five more, arming them with bigger fangs, uglier legs, more crunchy carapaces, and a picture of ALL spider killers marked, "this is your enemy".
Glenn - 2005-10-05 23:39:45
You've gotta see the pictures I've sent

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