There are some who call me...Tim

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2006-10-01 ó 2:56 p.m.

Pissed off yet?

How not to be a social retard

1. When youíre at a red light, especially if itís a limited duration turn arrow, GO WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN! I know this may come as a shock to you, but you are not the center of the fucking universe, nor are you the only one on the road. You are not more important than me, in fact, itís just the reverse. That being said, I donít appreciate you fucking me by making me wait for another cycle at the light just because youíre too dumb or clueless to pay attention. When the light turns green FUCKING GO! Also, be self-aware enough to anticipate the changing of the light; be ready for it. Thanks. Now get the hell out of my way.

2. When you get done using the toilet, especially after going #2, flush the god damned thing. Itís fucking gross to leave your shit for someone else to look at. Furthermore, if there are pieces of shit and toilet paper left in the bowl, flush it again. (see previous sentence)

3. Men especially, pay attention. Lifting the lid is nice, but when you piss all over the bowl wipe. it. the. fuck. up. When youíre at someone elseís house, like the friend who invited you over for his 30th birthday party last week, clean up after yourself, you fucking swine. Putting the seat down to hide it is not sufficient. I donít care how slovenly you are at home. Just spend two seconds and pretend that your mother taught you what toilet paper is and that you like your friends.

4. When youíre at someoneís house, donít go through their medicine chest. Itís none of your business what someone has in there, and although this rummaging was made popular by Elaine in Seinfeld, itís not cool.

5. On the same note as #4, if you go through your friendís medicine cabinet and steal drugs from them, you are the lowest fucking toothless crack whore on the planet and I hope you die a slow painful death, cold and alone. You would really steal from your friends?

6. When youíre at a restaurant, donít fucking yell to the person sitting across the table from you. Use your inside voice, because I donít give a fuck what happened to you at work today, what you did with your girlfriends last Saturday, or how you survived genital herpes. Fuck you. Keep it down.

7. Speaking of restaurants, when youíre at a nice one, dress nice. At least outwardly show a little bit of class, even if you donít have any.

8. When youíre on an airplane, donít make an ass out of yourself. Donít hoot, donít howl, donít make sexist comments. Donít get fucked up on the airplane and get sloppy. Donít talk to the person next to you if you can clearly see that they have no interest in talking to you. In other words, if they are reading, let them read. I realize that you may think what you have to say is important, but itís not. So zip it.

9. Use your fucking turn signal if someone is waiting for you. If youíre in a turn lane, I donít give a shit, but if Iím waiting for you to pass before I can pull out into the lane and you turn into the street or parking lot without signaling, then you can go fuck yourself you inconsiderate asshole.

10. If you get even close to finishing the pot of coffee in the office, make a new one. You got yours, so help a coworker out. You can fill it up, hit go, and walk away. Whereas when I get there and pour the 1/6 of a cup that you were nice enough to leave, I have to wait like 10 minutes before I can get mine. Come on now.

11. If Iím trying to change lanes so that I can get onto an on or off ramp, let me in. Donít be one of those assholes who stays right next to me and makes me slam on my brakes and nearly cause an accident. Donít give me that shit about getting in the lane 5 miles back up the road either. You and I both know that there are extenuating circumstances sometimes and a last-minute lane change is necessary. Tell you what Iíll extend you the same courtesy, OK?

12. When youíre getting on the freeway, STEP ON THE FUCKING GAS!!!!!!!!!! The onramp is so that you can get up to freeway speed and safely merge you stupid fuck. Donít just putt around and try to merge going 45 in a 65 zone. Itís assholes like you that cause traffic accidents.

13. Since we both know that the aforementioned stupid assholes are ubiquitous, letís plan ahead and move over a lane before we get to the merge point, shall we? Because if you are one of those people that slams on the brakes at the last second and crams into the next lane, then I hate you even more than them. I was under the impression that one required a license to drive, clearly I was wrong.

14. Donít make me pass you on the right. Pull your head out of your ass and move over. You donít set the speed limit.

15. If you want to talk during a movie, make it a blockbuster night. Donít make me turn around and shush you, I didnít pay to hear your chatter. This is also true for concerts or any event where your attention is supposed to be on the speaker/performer. I will ask you to be quiet. If that fails, I will have you removed. Donít think I wonít. You want to see an asshole? Well, behold you chittering fucking squirrel.

16. When Iím talking to someone, donít walk up and start talking to the person that Iím talking to. You are welcome to wait a moment, make your presence known, and wait for me to finish or for the person Iím talking to to inquire as to your needs. If itís quick, excuse yourself quickly, ask your question, and piss off.

17. If Iím talking to you on the phone, say excuse me before you start talking to someone else on your end. Holy fuck that pisses me off.

18. I donít care if you smoke or not, I smoke sometimes. Just be considerate. Itís you rude fuckers that have caused the non smokers to be able to pass legislation removing my civil liberties. Fuck you.

19. When youíre in line at Taco Bell or wherever, know what you want when you get to the counter. All the people behind you know what they want, and would be happy to move in front of you while you stammer. That heat you feel? Thatís the smoldering glare of my eyes on the back of your head you indecisive fucktard.

20. Sales and marketing retards: If youíre going to use a foreign word as the name of your product, at least pronounce it correctly. For instance, the Hyundai ďsportsĒ model is called a Tiburon. This is the Spanish word for ďsharkĒ. The accent is on the Ďoí and it is pronounced tee-burr-own. It is not pronounced tib-rr-awn. If you canít fucking pronounce it, donít use it.

21. Speaking of cars, whoís the fuckhead who decided to name that attempt at an SUV ďCayenneĒ? What, is it spicy? Roasted and ground? Idiot. Thereís another SUV called ďArmadaĒ. Armada is a fleet, an army, etc.; itís a collective word. A single thing should not be given a plural name you backwoods country fuck. To call a single vehicle an armada just proves to me that youíre hopelessly retarded.

There now, was that so hard?

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